


What could go wrong?

by Eli_can_write



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Addicting Jelly, BAMF Ginny Weasley, BAMF Neville Longbottom, Cannon compliant, Charms, Delivery!, Dumbledore Being a Dick, F/F, F/M, Harry Potter - Freeform, Honestly Pansy Parkinson is the only one who has any sense at all, I swear to god Ginny, I used to be a human, JellyJam, M/M, Muggle Cinema, Oil paintings of snape in the nude, Other, Plants, Potions, Rollerblading, Secrets, Soda, Some Fluff, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Vampire Mafia, Vampires, Vertiserum, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, becomes airbourne, bffs luna and neville, but dont worry it is from laughter, cho wont put on any goddamn socks, dumbledore cancels being gay, dumbledore cancels classes, ginny and luna are girlfriends, help me, lily and james are crying up in heaven, maybe? - Freeform, minerva is a gambler, muggle movies, secret greenhouses, several crookshanks, stuff like that, truth comes out., undoccumented herbology, what a world
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-10-27 20:47:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10816458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eli_can_write/pseuds/Eli_can_write
Summary: What do you get when you cross a bunch of gay teenage wizards with a horrible decision making process and lack of proper authority figures?Ginny, Luna and Neville are riding a very thin line between illegal behavior and VERY illegal behavior, but in all fairness, they were given a secret magical greenhouse.Everybody in the castle's secrets are spilling out of their own mouths, and nobody can stop it. When confronted with the matter, Dumbledore is exactly as helpful as he usually is, which is to say he gives cryptic advice and 'wisdom words' that confuse the shit out of everyone.Not only are the students plagued with truths, but the castle holds a dark secret. A magician has sneaked his way into Hogwarts, and is reigning people in for his army of (???)at least Dean and Seamus finally are getting their shit together





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What am I anymore? At one point, I could claim to be a human. Not anymore.  
> Title is a WIP, give suggestions in the comments!

To be fair, their intentions weren't malicious. What was to be expected when 'loony' Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom were left together with a illegal Herbology book and an unsupervised and undocumented greenhouse? And to be even more fair, a lot worse things could've happened.

It'd be easy to blame Dumbledore, after all, he was the one to keep a secret greenhouse filled with unknown plants beneath the quidditch field. Neville had found it in the beginning of fifth year when he had dropped his left shoe to the ground while flying some 50 meters in the air. When he went to retrieve it, he'd seen something scrawled across the stone it fell by. The words 'domnumviridi suamignotis' were carved in a sloppy cursive scrawl. Figuring he'd nothing to lose, Neville pulled out his wand and repeated the incantation. 

The ground below him had shook and began to retreat into itself, and Neville felt sure he most certainly was doomed. When the rumbling ceased, a softly lit set of stairs cascaded downward into the damp unknown. But Neville was a Gryffindor, and being brave wasn't new to him anymore. Each step he took gave him a lovely feeling of calm, warm, and safe. He didn't understand why until he saw the dozens upon dozens of plants in what appeared to be one of the teaching greenhouses, stuck underground. In fact, he was so occupied with the plants that he failed to notice the figure in the room. A familiar voice spoke. 

'I see you've found my greenhouse.' Albus Dumbledore turned, leaving the green and purple oozing plant to its own devise.   
'Im sorry Dumbledore Sir, I didn't know what it is'   
Dumbledore smiled, and his eyes crinkled through his half moon spectacles.   
"Never apologize for curiosity my boy. It is curiosity like yours that keeps us thriving. For only the truly great know that even answers have questions in themselves."

Neville smiled, despite Dumbledore's rambling. After four years, he'd learned to just tune out the confusing and irrational advice. He continued on.

"Nevertheless dear child, your curiosity has put me in a position I was hoping to avoid. Far too many children and professors come to my office with problems. One needs a break, to think for themself. The greenhouse in which you stand was a place I would take to often when far too many complicated thoughts crossed through my head. I took comfort in it's nature, the soothing lackadaisical attitude of the plants. I can feel their energy. I've spent years specifically catering them to be the most tranquil of living beings. But Neville, though you are not at fault and it was unbeknownst to you at the time, you have ruptured the serenity of this subterran. Simply your knowledge of it leaves me to abandon it completely." Neville tilted his head. 

"Dumbledore sir, I'm very sorry to have bothered you. I can just leave. I promise I won't mention it to anybody or come looking for it again." The headmaster waved his hand dismissing the thought.   
"Fear not my boy. This simply brings a new quest to me. However, now that I won't we using this greenhouse, would you like it? I hear your marks in herbology are exceptional. I can think not of a better student to leave this to than you."   
Even if Neville didn't want it, there would be no point in attempting to refuse. Albus was a stubborn man, and arguing only took up more time. Luckily for Neville, he was happy to have been offered such a space. 

"That would be wonderful, thank you very much sir." 

∞∞∞∞∞

That was more than a year ago. Now, Neville sat with his dearest friend Luna. They often ventured to the greenhouse together. It was a shared effort, taking care of the mysterious plants. Most of them weren't in any herbology books, which meant the friends had to learn through observation and trial and error. There was a viny plant with dark deep purple leaves which hummed different melodies depending on its hydration levels. A mysterious white tree bloomed upside down in the corner, and worked as an instant bandaid. Luna had cut her finger using pruning shears once, and the branch extended and wrapped a single leaf around the cut. When she'd pulled it off minutes later, the wound was gone. a patch of Periwinkle flowers had what seemed to be opposite of the effects of Amortentia. Neville wasn't exactly sure how it managed to capture 'selfishness' as a smell, but it did, and incredibly well. As it turns out, The oozing plant that Dumbledore had set aside produced a delicious jelly/jam that paired well with almost anything. Luna didn't care for it much, but she gave some to Blaise as an apology for ruining his homework and he nearly demanded more the next day. 

Luna hid in the greenhouse a large, dragonskin bound book. She would take notes on each plant and its behaviors, and Neville, the far superior artist, would draw them. Together they created a encyclopedia of sorts. 

One day, the two of them were together when Neville pointed out something strange.  
'Hey Lun, what's this?' he pointed to the previously Grey flowering plant, which had yet to reveal any magical effects. It now bloomed a bright yellow, and as Neville leaned in to smell it, he began to hiccough.   
'Thats rather odd. I spilled some hiccoughing solution there yesterday, but I figured it wasn't a problem since it wasn't magical. But now that you're hiccoughing, it seems to obscure to be coincidental.' she leaned in to smell as well, and shortly came down with the same as Neville. 

'Luna, wh-why would you even ha-hic-ve a hiccoughing solution on you?' Luna just smiled.   
'You know I like to keep odd -hic- things on me. It's peacefu-hic-ll' She could practically see the gears in Neville's head turning. He lifted his robes up to cover his nose mouth and gestured for her to do the same. He quickly cast a spell he'd had to create, thanks to the pranks of the Weasley twins, for curing hiccoughs. Luna followed suit, and both breathed a sigh of relief.   
'Do you think its magic is that it can make potion effects airborne?'   
'there's only one way to find out' Luna whispered, pulling yet another potion vial from her robes pocket. She poured it onto the yellow plant, which immediately turned sky blue. 

'were you ever gay for Harry?' questioned Luna. It took him few good blinks of surprise, because he was not at all ready for that question, but Neville eventually formed a response.   
'No, and what on Earth does that have to do with this?' Neville aggressive, going slightly red in the cheeks. Luna grinned mischievously, and instructed Neville to smell the blue flowers. His questioning stare was begging for an answer, but she stayed silent, so he obliged.

'Now' Luna began 'Have you ever been gay for Potter?' Neville looked utterly exasperated.   
'Lun, we just went over this. YES, I was gay for Potter, what does this have to do with anything?' his friend smirked and he turned an even deeper shade of crimson when he realized what he'd just said. Luna twirled the vital between her index and middle finger, pinky extended. 

'why... How did you... What?' Luna simply tapped the vial.   
'Vertiserum. Ginny won it off a bet with Jordan Lee, and gave it to me.'   
'so, do you think we can make it like, more intense? So that people tell the truth without being questioned?' two and a half hours, about twenty discarded ideas and two packs of sugar quills later, they had it. Luna had come from charms, where they'd been learning modifiers for incantations. Neville had suggested they try to apply the same principal to the potion, and to their surprise, it worked. 

With the success of the nonsensical modifier, They figured they may as well go for another way to increase intensity. Luckily, Luna wasn’t the only one paying attention in class. In Herbology, Neville had recently learned of a new plant growth stimulant called ‘,,,’ which rapidly increased the growth of any plant. It took them two days to sneak some from Professor Sprout, which Neville felt extremely guilty about, but once they watered the plant with the potion, its size quintupled within the minute. 

Neville spoke aloud, gesturing excitedly to the plants.   
“Mate! with just a few more days, we’ll have enough to practically fill the entire school!”  
“That gives me an idea” Luna whispered. “We should put this plant all over Hogwarts. It’d be interesting to hear what people actually care about”  
“How would we do that? Filch would just throw them all away.” Neville worried his bottom lip between his teeth, thinking. Luna gasped with excitement  
“We could put them in the empty planters! Filch is always complaining that nobody cares about the appearance of the school. He wouldn’t ruin his one chance at having some respect.”

Luna and Neville were as honest as could be, and both were capable of flying under the radar. Neville smiled, Imagining all of the possibilities of what his peers would confess to one another. What a fantastic event this would be.


	2. Breakfast: A hazard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations overheard, and documented by the gang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I'm really not kidding when I say the only way I'll write is if you tell me to. Seriously, It was a comment saying "It's been a month now" that got me off my ass and made me write this short chapter, and it was at least two weeks after that, so really. Please, please yell at me. It'll take like two seconds in the comments to motivate me. Also, thanks @that commenter who made me write. I've got more planned, but not more written yet.

If he had to choose a word to describe the aftermath of setting the plants among their students, Neville would’ve chosen “Chaos”. In fact, this was the word he chose to answer with when Luna asked him, over a hearty breakfast of toast and jam, what he thought the results of their fun would be. To be truthful, though, chaotic was an understatement. 

Luna chewed on the tip of her quill, looking over the parchment they’d been creating together. The evening before, Vertiserum plants had been gently placed around the grounds by Luna and Ginny, who was under the impression they were just regular plants. They had been greeted with what seemed to be an attempt at a smile from Filch, who mumbled something about youth taking their weight. When they had woken up, Luna insisted upon keeping track in some way of the most interesting things they heard. It was quite early, and a Saturday at that, so they had been able to discuss in the Great Hall without interruption.

Luna and Neville turned heads as they heard footsteps, to see Padma Patil walking into the dining area. The morning light from the enchanted ceiling shone on her eyes, and she stretched, and took in a deep breath with her yawn. Neville nudged his friend, a way of saying ‘she’ll be speaking the truth any minute now, she just breathed in all that plant’ and Luna winked in response.   
“Hello Padma. How’r you doing?” Luna asked in her usual airy tone. Padma opened her mouth to answer, adopted a drop-dead stare, then let out a small gasp of what seemed to be confusion, fear and regret all at once.  
“I’m not Padma! I’m Pavarti! We switched last year’s winter holiday to see how long it would take anyone to notice and nobody has!” her jaw, as well as Luna and Neville’s, dropped down to the table. All of their expressions changed to pure confusion. “Why did I tell you that?” she asked aloud. “I didn’t want to... I can’t imagine why I’d, ... What?” after a few moments more of mumbling, she sat herself down alone at the Ravenclaw table (despite the entire great hall knowing she Pavarti, and therefore was in Gryffindor) and began to dish herself some eggs.   
Once she’d turned her back, Luna frantically scribbled onto her parchment and Neville grinned sheepishly.

It was barely 6:30 when Ginny came bounding into the hall. She wore a dark red t-shirt underneath a pair of overalls that ended right above her mid-thigh. She spotted her friends at once, and dashed toward them, plopping herself down next to Luna.   
“G’morning Gin” Neville said. She smiled, and picked up a bowl of oatmeal   
“Goov Mourfnihn Nehvbill” after she swallowed her mouthful of food, she leaned over to see the writing on their paper, which Neville promptly covered.  
“Oh lighten up. What’ve you got written on there that’s so private I can't see it, anyway? Is it a list of potential boyfriends? No, it can’t be, I saw Padma’s name on it. Is it girlfriends for me? I am not considering either of the Patils, they are not my type. Both are lookers though.” Neville raised his eyebrows and mouthed the words “Ginny, gay, veritaserum’ to Luna , who laughed.  
“No, no, It’s not a secret. Ginny is very bi, and has been openly since fifth year.” Ginny playfully stuck her tongue out at neville but said nothing. Luna looked at neville and Neville looked at Luna, and luna looked like she had a very valid point. After that, Neville looked at Luna, and Luna looked back, and Neville looked a bit confused but then he looked like he understood and Luna looked like she was glad they’d come to an agreement, and then they both looked at Ginny and said “after careful discussion, we’ve decided we’re going to let you in on our secret.”  
Ginny could hardly breathe. It was the funniest thing she had heard all month. She couldn’t wait to hear the secrets, and each time she started to catch a break, she’d imagine another hogwarts student confessing something like what Pad- Parvati had, and she lost herself to laughter once again. Luna and Neville agreed that it had been worth it to make their friend so happy, but also because Ginny had ten times as many friends as the two of them combined, so she was sure to be able to help them collect secrets.

As time ticked on and the early morning became a more reasonable time, more and more people began to sit themselves at the tables. Neville Opted to sit with Justin Finch-Fletchley, in order to better hear the Hufflepuff truths. With Luna at the Ravenclaw table and Ginny at the Gryffindor, the only house that remained uncovered was Slytherin, which was a disappointment, because Ginny was sure that they’d have the best secrets of them all (“Truths” she was reminded by her friends). Each was given a paper and quill and left to their own for breakfast.

********************  
“I’m black”  
“Okay?”  
“Seamus, I’m Black! I am Black.” This clarification did nothing to ease Seamus’s confusion  
“Dean, I know you’re black. Why are you telling me this?” Dean didn’t have an answer.  
“I just... Felt like you should know that.”  
********************  
“Albus. I’ve set fifteen different cats with similar markings to me around this castle so that it always appears i'm busy patrolling in the corridors when in reality I am gambling at a nearby muggle ‘Cas-ee-no’ called The Lucky Cat “  
Dumbledore smiled through his half moon spectacles, and Minerva turned a vicious shade of red, mumbling apologies faster than she’d blown her money her first time gambling at the casino.  
“Not to worry, Minnie. I’m sure all of the teachers have their secrets. I certainly do. For example.” He pulled off his mask to reveal the twisted face of Ministry Member Dolores Umbridge. Giving McGonagall barely enough time to register, (s?)he pulled off that mask to reveal the noseless, horrifying sight of The Dark Lord. Minerva pointed her wand at Voldemort immediately, who proceeded to remove his face, showing a smirking dumbledore beneath.  
“Just in case” He smiled  
**********************  
“One time I snuck into the kitchens to get some Oreos bec-”  
“What the bloody fuck is an Oreo?”  
“Muggle snack. Anyway- I snuck into the kitchen to get some Oreos, and I got my hand caught in the box of them and i tried to get it out and I heard somebody coming and I got scared so I hid behind a barrel, right? It turns out it was just flitwick, but I needed to get out of the kitchen unnoticed, and when I tried I tripped and fell and I guess I scared him because he peed himself but all the Oreos went everywhere and I couldn’t pick them up in time and I had to run out. And that’s my worst nighttime experience at hogwarts.”  
“What kind of Slytherin are you? You can’t even avoid capture from Flitwick, at night, In the kitchens?”   
“I Guess I’m the kind whose hands are too fat to fit in the Oreo box but who avoids detentions through urination”  
“Please don’t say it like that”  
*************************   
“I’m failing Herbology because I keep asking Professor Sprout when we’re going to get to planting the wizarding weed. Like, every single class, since the very first day of first year.”  
“Duuuuuuuude”  
“Yeah. I feel kinda bad, but it’s too late to quit at this point. Plus, the other Hufflepuffs way make up for the points I’m losing us.”  
*************************  
Luna’s ears were hearing everything, and she’d never been writing so fast in her life. None of them had. They’d all had to cast enlargement charms on their parchments in order to fit everything on them. She wrote down another truth and smiled.  
*************************  
“This isn’t the first Crookshanks. I’m sorry. To be honest, it’s not even the second, or the third. The first ran away, and the second did too, and they all followed suit, and it got so expensive to keep buying more cats, so I started collecting beetles and Transfiguring them into cats that looked like Crookshanks. They never lasted more than a few weeks though. I think this is the 26th one? Maybe 27th” Hermione breathed a sigh of relief, despite her obvious hesitancy in speaking the truth. The brightness of Ron’s grin could battle the sun.  
“Mione, That’s absolutely Brilliant! This is why I’m in love with you!” He clamped his hand over his mouth as his eyes went wide.  
“I didn’t mean to say that! You’re just incredibly smart and funny and you care about me and Harry and you’ve stuck with us through everything and I don’t understand how anybody couldn’t love you!” He stuck his other hand over his mouth, shocked. Turning crimson, he ran, presumably to the dorms, in horror of what he’d done. Hermione smiled.  
Harry’s mouth was hanging open as he ran after his friend, but he thought he heard Hermione say “I love the Idiot too”  
***********************  
“CHO!”  
“You guys are seriously overreacting. It’s not that big of a deal”  
“Four YEARS, Cho. That’s like, 1461 days!”  
“So? Sandals exist, and flip flops.”  
“We share a dorm with you, and know damn well you don’t own a single pair of sandals.”  
“So? Seriously, calm it down”  
“Cho Chang! Four years is too long to go without wearing socks!”  
***********************  
Fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes was all it had taken to overhear all of that. Oh great Merlin, was it going to be a great day.


	3. Time to put the HOMO in honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER THREE: the vertiserum effects even the most strong.  
> [IT's gonna get really gay, then it’s gonna go back to normal, but slightly more gay]
> 
> (My notes to myself while planning this chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys did a great job motivating me to get off my ass and write so 10/10 thank you would have you as an audience again.
> 
> Anyway enjoy.

CHAPTER THREE:  
[IT's gonna get really gay, then it’s gonna go back to normal, but slightly more gay]

Gryffindor had never been known as the “Let's wake up before 10 AM on a weekend” house of Hogwarts, so it wasn’t much of a surprise to Dean and Seamus that the common room was vacant, save for a very, very red Ronald Weasley, minding his own business in the corner. They took a seat on one of the plush couches, surrounding themselves with pillows to chat.  
The boys weren’t stupid. They knew that something was making people talk, making them spill their guts, they just didn’t know what.  
“Hey Seamus” Dean asked. He watched his friend’s brow furl.  
“Dean, If you tell me that you’re black one more time I’m going to-”  
“No, I was going to ask why it wasn’t working on you.” seamus smiled goofily.  
“That’s good mate. Um, I think whatever it is, is working on me, I’ve just got a lot of practice holding information to myself, so I’m good at resisting the urge to blurt things out.” Dean rolled his eyes and threw one of the couch pillows.  
“Yeah, right. Because you’re the only one in this school who can hold in your thoughts. Also, You never shut up. There’s no way there is anything you’re holding back from telling me.”  
“You’d be surprised. Just because I talk a lot doesn’t mean I say every single thing that comes to mind” Seamus threw a pillow at Dean in retaliation. This began an all out war. After a few near misses, an almost broken lamp, and Dean having to use the Agumenti spell for the trillionth time (“Merlin's tits Seamus, you don’t even have a wand out! How did you manage to catch the pillow on fire” ) They settled back down to continue talking.  
“Seriously mate. I’d bet you a Galleon you can’t tell me a fact about yourself right now that I don’t already know” Dean challenged.  
“How will we know if the other is lying?”  
“Hmm.. I hadn’t thought of that. I guess we’ll just have to put our trust in one another, Eh?” Dean waggled his eyebrows and nudged his friend’s shoulder.  
“Alright.... Back in third year, when I couldn’t sleep, I’d count your freckles.” He looked up hesitantly.  
“.....Seamus, I’m Black” Seamus fell to the floor.  
“ARE YOU MENTAL DEAN? HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL? I RUDDY WELL KNOW YOU ARE BLACK, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?” Dean looked horrified and Weasley turned around to gape.  
“No, No no! This time, it’s relevant! Well, You, you and Weasley have freckles, and you’re white, but, I’m black! I don’t have freckles!”   
“Yeah You SODDING DO, Dean Thomas. When’s the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror? They're not as prominent as Weasley’s, but there sure as hell there” Seamus grabbed ahold of his wand and accioed the mirror from the bathroom, ripping it from its usual resting spot on the wall.  
“Seamus, why you have to do to that? You know I'm just going to have t-”  
“Look!” they turned to face the mirror, which had since settled itself to lean against the dresser. Seamus’ soft hands shook lightly as he lifted them to Dean’s shoulder. He traced patterns, not swirling, but connecting straight lines. His fingers were calloused and gentle, and Dean’s breath caught in his chest. Up and up they traveled, until finding a home upon his friend's cheekbones.  
“I- I guess I do...” Dean tried his best not to let his voice falter. He raised his own hands to meet Seamus's, touching his freckles for the first time since he'd noticed them.  
“Damn well you do. 4,829 of them, since I last counted. Does it count extra if my fact involved you and you still didn't know?” Seamus had since taken his hands back, but Dean was still staring at himself but wide-eyed in the mirror. He shook his head with a sly, almost Slytherin smile.  
“Love, what you just told me was a story. Not a fact. There's probably a billion stories I don't know about you. We agreed on fact. Sorry. So... What else?”   
Seamus's jaw dropped, and his eyebrows raised, obviously impressed. He couldn't be beat so easily, he needed something good, something to blow Dean out of the water,  
“I'm bent,” it was Dean's turn to drop his jaw  
“Bent?”  
“Bent. Y’know. Gay. Queer. Want to shag blokes” immediately after her said it, Seamus had regretted it. Nice fucking going, way to blow a 4 year, monumental secret over one galleon and half an ounce of pride. His face started to turn red, and Seamus felt shame like he'd never felt, more than when he'd realized he was gay for the first time. More than the first time he'd wanked to the thought of another bloke, more than the time his cousin took his clothes at camp and he'd had to walk stark-naked through the cabins of older (and very attractive) boys to get them back. He buried himself in his knees, and he could feel the tears behind his eyelids, burning hot and dying to get out, to shame him even further. His breaths became shorter, shallower and further apart, and he didn't notice the hand on his shoulder until it gave a tight squeeze.  
Seamus could only bear to look up through one eye, so he shifted his face in his knees so that only that was exposed. The red of his face had brought out his freckles, and Dean's concern was masked for a second with affection.  
“Did you hear me mate?” Dean asked. Seamus shook his head no in response, unable to find his voice.  
“ok. But Seamus. I want you looking at me when I tell you this, ok? I'm gonna repeat it. I don't think you heard, you went all red and tucked yourself into your knees, but what I said was me too”   
Seamus shook his head sadly, starting to get up, when it hit him what Dean said. He'd been expecting the worst and wasn't prepared for anything else. How could this happen? Somebody up there loves him. He made a mistake, a colossal fuckup, and the universe rewarded him with the one thing he wanted most.   
A chance. He was not going to screw this up. Resistance to the truth that had been invading be damned.  
“Bi, actually” his friend broke the silence with, and was enveloped in the strongest, most loving hug he'd ever been tackled into. Seamus couldn't care less if Dean liked girls too (of course he cared, he just didn't mind) as long as it meant he'd have a shot.

“Dean, I-”  
“it's ok. I, I love you too” Dean was holding tight to Seamus's biceps with one hand, and softly tapping at the Irish boy's lips with the other, a clear question asked silently. He watched Seamus swallow, his barely protruding Adam's Apple sinking and rising before giving a tentative nod.  
It wasn't perfect. Far from it. Their foreheads and noses bumped into each other's before either could reach the other's lips, which resulted in hushed giggles and laughs as they tried to compose themselves. Seamus's lips were chapped and dry. He'd only ever kissed a girl before, so he was nervous, and it was obvious. Dean tasted like summer. Seamus wasn't sure how anybody could taste like anything, let alone a whole season, but if anyone could, it'd be Dean. Of course it would. Dean, whose lips were full and soft and worked like they'd had years of experience (though if he was too believe Dean's stories, which he was, he'd never been kissed before by anybody).   
But it had to end at some point, so they broke apart and laid on their backs, staring at the common room ceiling. Seamus spoke first.  
“I love you too you sod, but I was going to say ‘Dean, I want my galleon now’”  
Dean tackled him. In an instant Seamus was pinned under Dean's weight. He planted a kiss on Seamus's nose, then each of his eyelids, cheeks and cheekbones. Seamus whined aloud ‘you're a tease!’

They began kissing again, but it was Dean to pull away this time.   
“am I doing something wrong? I just feel like people always describe kissing as so... Well...”   
Seamus smiled “so what?”  
“Y'know, ... Sexy. But this, this just feels soft. Not that I don't love it! I just, I want you to be happy. Happier than you've ever been.”  
A voice came from the corner.

“You've got to use your tongues, then.” The boys turned to look.  
“Ron! Have you been listening this whole time!??!”   
“No, I've got better things to do than listen to you two all day. I've heard just that last bit. It's true though, the tongue thing.”  
“Tune out of our personal conversations next time, please Ron.”  
“Whatever man” and with a noncommittal signature Ronald Weasley shrug, room went back to minding his own business.

Seamus turned back to Dean.  
“He's got Point though, that's what we're missing.” His eyes twinkled and Dean fell more in love.  
“Do you want to try?” He brushed a piece of hair out of Seamus's eyes as he waited for the answer.  
“Not right now. Right now, I'd rather be soft, right here, with you.” Nobody needed a truth serum or spell to know that Seamus Finnigan was being 100% truthful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will not work if people don't encourage me. Y'all'ev been so polite but any motivation is motivation. Be you could leave a comment like
> 
> Get ur crusty butt to work
> 
> And it would prolly work. Not as well as the nice ones, but still. Encouragement is 109653799% needed/ encouraged


	4. Dumbledore deserves to be hit with a grape soda can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Slytherins share some of the spotlight.   
> dumbledore makes an announcement  
> The silver Trio spend some quality bonding time in the green house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys I got a manic episode and whipped this out all at once good for me ! Also comment !!! I like comments they tell me where to take the story and where to avoid taking it, feedback is real important okay bye love you all

Blaise had his mouth sewn shut. Literally sewn with muggle stitches.  
“I can hardly blame him, have you seen the state of our house as of late?” Pansy seemed to be the only person who had their shit together.   
“Just yesterday, Vincent admitted that he is the reason his family went into debt. Spent millions of muggle galleons on a moving picture film called “the Amazing Mario Brothers” or something. It didn’t do too well.” Crabbe banged his fists on the table, splashing the pumpkin juice.   
“It’s Super Mario Bros, and it didn’t do well because Mudbloods don’t know anything about the arts!” Half the table glared while the other half shouted. Greg Goyle nudged him in the ribs. Crabbe looked down  
“Sorry. Got angry. But my movie was good.” Pansy patted his head and Draco smirked.  
“I’m sure it was, love” said Theodore Nott. Blaise said ‘mrmmhmmmrurmrmmmhmmmhhm’, which probably meant ‘perhaps next time you could do a focus group to see how many people would view your picture film before you spend millions of muggle galleons on it, but we love you nonetheless’, but his mouth was sewn shut so nobody will ever know for sure.  
“What exactly were you saying about the state our house is in as of late, Pansy Dear?” Draco questioned, with his eyebrow quirked high enough to reach the enchanted ceiling of the great hall. “All I’m seeing is some close friends, gathered to comfort and support one another.”  
Pansy let out a chuckle that was threatening to become a full-blown laugh.  
“Darling, that’s because you’re only with us about a sixth of the time. You think we don’t notice how you disappear anytime anybody mentions Potter, or Lightning, or Gryffindor? Or even the color Green? We are in Slytherin Draco, green is a difficult topic to avoid”. Draco gasped and put his hand over his heart, to distract people from his increasingly red face.  
“What are you implying?”   
Luckily for Draco, There was a loud cracking noise and a puff of rainbow smoke in the center of the great hall. Dumbledore stood before them, bowing. The students clapped, most likely not impressed, but because they were expected to. This happened every once in awhile. Dumbledore would appear somewhere in the castle unexpectedly (Most usually during classes), do some new fancy trick, and wait until he had either gotten his applause or he felt the silence had been awkward enough to leave. This time, he had probably taken Harry’s invisibility cloak to sneak in unnoticed, cast a smoke spell, and used a muggle firecracker to make the noise. Once the applause headed, the Headmaster held his hands above his head, showing that he had an announcement.

 

At last the room went silent, and Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak.  
“I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.  
It is a very important announcement. It may change this whole week for you.  
Perhaps this whole year. Not this whole year. That was a lie. I lie, because I am human. You are all humans, Humans with patience. I’m sure you are patiently waiting to hear this announcement. WHICH, I will tell to you, once I have figured it out. In the meantime, all teachers to the secret teachers office on the 19th story immediately. Thank you.”  
The entire room groaned in annoyance.  
***********************  
“It is our duty as the student’s temporary caretakers to rid the school of whatever it is that is causing everybody to spill their secrets!” McGonagall punctuated her statement with a swish of her cloak as she turned, as she often did when she made important decisions.  
“Minnie! This is the second funniest thing to happen to this school in one hundred years, and I am not letting you take this away from me. We shall call off all classes for a week, and put a podium with a volume enhancing spell up at the front of the great hall. I have a good feeling about this. If, at the end of the week, the problem has not fixed itself, We shall investigate. Until then, think of it as a holiday where you can’t go home.”  
Minerva’s jaw dropped.  
“Albus, Surely you cannot be considering letting th-”   
“I am not considering, I’ve already made up my mind.” and with a grin and twinkle in his eye, he left the room. Around the corner, the professors could hear a faint sing-songy voice saying “and don’t call me shirley”.  
***********************  
“I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT, AND IT IS READY THIS TIME.”  
“Yeah right ya crazy old man!” somebody shouted from the hufflepuff table, and a muggle can of grape soda hit the headmaster in the chest.   
“You cannot stop my genius, Ernie MacMillian, I have Nipples of steel” Grinned Dumbledore.  
“That brings me to my announcement. Classes are canceled until further notice. You are not to go home, but you may leave for hogsmeade, provided it is between 7 AM and 10 PM. all other castle rules apply. Any questions?” two hundred hands went into the air.  
“Very well. That will be all.” with a flick of his wand and a satisfying *Clunk* and *OWWWWCH*, Ernie had been hit with his own soda can, and Dumbledore had left.  
***********************  
“Okay, Just hear me out-”  
“No. This is not acceptable.”  
“ I went to the library and it said that Merlin didn’-”  
“Merlin was a great wizard, but he was also a dirty old man, and you’re a smart, hopefully hygienic young witch.”  
“I just don’t see why I have to.”  
“Cho, Just put on the goddam socks”  
***********************  
Ginny, Luna and Neville couldn’t breathe. They’d made it to the greenhouse, but that was it. They were sure their laughter could be heard for Kilometers. In France, America, China, everywhere. Luna’s face was streaked with tears, and Neville was clutching his side. Ginny had knocked a plant off of its place on the counter when she threw her head back, but they were all too happy to care. They’d all been exhausted from school recently, and they’d just scored themselves a break and entertainment to go with it.   
They sat in a circle on the floor, drinking from the watering can, which luna assured them she cleaned every time she came in, and Ginny scourgifyed just in case.  
“So, how’d you suppose the potion knows what’s a secret and what’s not?” Neville asked in between sips of water.  
“I suppose it’s something like when you’re trying to hide a fact, that’s the one you have to say. I’m not being forced to say anything about nargles or Ginny, because I like talking about those things anyway. But if there was something I didn’t want to admit, it’d force its way out of my mouth. I’m a bad example though, because I don’t have any secrets.” Ginny leaned back against Luna, who was using her wand to summon berries off of a nearby plant into her mouth. She offered one to the redhead, who politely declined, and then to neville, who took one graciously  
“I don’t think I have any secrets either. Maybe if I think. But that would be a bad idea, because then I’d have to say them out loud, so I’ll stick with blissful ignorance.” Ginny grinned.  
“Wasn’t that what you were doing before?” She teased playfully. “The only secret I can think of is that I don’t like exploding snap. It’s awfully boring. I’ve been cheating at it for years.”  
Both Neville and Luna turned toward her in surprise. “YOU HAVE?”  
“Haven’t you won money through Exploding snap, though?”   
“Eh, never more than a Galleon a person. Really, I haven’t been that subtle about my cheating, so it’s their fault if they haven't noticed by now.” Luna looked puzzled.  
“So you’ve been beating me all this time, illegitimately? We must’ve played two hundred games. Why did you never tell me you got bored of it?” Ginny laughed.  
“Well, It’s your favourite game! And you look really cute when you lose. It’s a mix of frumpy because of your loss, amazement of my win, and proudness, because your girlfriend is so awesome!”.   
Neville, previously left to watch it play out on its own, interrupted their conversation.  
“Excuse me, Girlfriend?” Luna and Ginny looked at him quizzically.  
“Is it not girlfriend anymore?” Luna asked. Her eyes were wide. “I’m very sorry.. Partner. Datemate. Whatever term you prefer.”   
“N-No, I’m pretty sure girlfriend is an okay term. I just-” He scratched his head. “When... did you- girlfriends..., I didn’t, How come... When?”  
“How were you unaware of this until now? Since fifth year. Luna is literally the reason I came out. We had this discussion at breakfast, YESTERDAY.”  
“Noooooo, what you said yesterday was that you came out in fifth year. You didn’t say why.” Neville rested his chin in his hands, waiting for an answer.  
“Yeah. she explained how I came out in fifth year, and then I KISSED HER! Didn’t that tip you off a little bit?” she gesticulated wildly while talking, and Luna had to stroke her arm to calm her down. Neville thought back to the morning before.  
“You kissed her on the cheek. That’s a friendly thing to do. You can kiss your friends on the cheek. It wasn’t important enough for me to put into my mental narrative. I don’t automatically mark down every single thing I see you two doing.”  
“Ok. Well, let’s stop bickering. The point is, Luna and I are dating, and we’re happy together.” Luna pecked at her girlfriend’s lips.  
“Alright. You are girlfriends. I realize that now.” Ginny couldn’t help herself. She grew up teasing her brothers, it was in her blood. She needed to antagonize, playfully.  
“Why? You had your eyes on my Luna, didn’t you?” Neville’s eyes turned into saucers.  
“No-nonononononono ! no! Gross! She’s like a sister to me! Don’t get me wrong, Luna I love you, but- No, never, no. she’s practically my sister” Luna nuzzled her face into Ginny’s neck, who was shaking from laughing so hard.  
“That would make Ginny your sister-in-law” Luna sang. She was hugging her girlfriend koala style, leaning backward, so that her view of her friend was upside down.  
“You two aren’t married quite yet, so not for a bit.” Luna scrunched her eyebrows, and sang too the same tune “That would make Ginny your almost-sister-in-law”

They laughed and chatted as the morning turned to midday, and rain slowly started to sprinkle the yards of Hogwarts. They exchanged truths they’d heard and truths they expected to hear. The soft spell of raindrops washed away their worries, and none of the children could’ve known that in their own school, in hidden and abandoned classrooms, something more sinister stirred. There was no way of knowing that a magician of the magic and muggle world was in the walls, waiting to strike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its going to get weirder. I've had this idea for a while now, and trust me. Buckle in for a wild ride.


	5. When He's Feeling sinister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delivery!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will I make a whole chapter for just 910 words? you bet your butt I will! mostly because I am on a manic episode today and I do't know how long it will last and just want to get what i've got written right now out to the public.

Nobody used the DADA classroom on the second floor. The wind whipped around the corner giving it a horrible chill, and the lack of windows and candles gave it a dark and menacing feel. A single sink stood in the corner, permanently filled with an oozing black liquid. The cabinet above it had no doors, and its potion bottles, broken and empty, were naked and on display. The stones on the floor creaked as though they were wooden boards when stepped upon. The house elves didn’t clean it, Fred and george never bothered with it, and Filch didn’t send Mrs. Norris down that way. The room was almost completely abandoned. Almost.  
“Dear Honourable highness Gallagher, I am at your service” Blaise was on his knees, bowing before the man in front of him. He had only just removed his stitches, and his mouth trickled with blood that he refused to wipe. The man laughed cruelly, and gave a hiss of delight.  
“Who... Will be.... Next?” He asked, circling around Blaise, each word said between a footstep. He gripped Blaise’s chin and tilted his head upward, so he could see the sweat on the young wizard’s brow, and the masked fear in his eyes.  
“How about that pretty little friend of yours, Pansy. She seems like a real delight”  
“Your Highness... I don’t think she is... what you are looking for.. In a soldier. She is not strong enough yet... and she is weak of mind. Perhaps later, but not yet. May I suggest Gregory Goyle?” Gallagher began pacing again, his steps were certain and even like a leaky faucet.   
Step  
Step  
Step  
“And what about this Goyle makes him fit for our army?”  
Step  
Step  
Step  
“Well, Your highness, He is as strong as two men combined, and he follows orders without question”  
Step  
Step  
Step  
“Ok. It will be your job to transmogrify him.”  
Step  
Step  
“Did you hear me?” His voice echoed. The man reached out a slender hand to grasp Blaise’s robes, and gave a sharp tug, sending him tumbling to the damp and chilling ground.  
“Yes, Your majesty.”  
“Very well. Two days time, Midnight.”  
Step   
“And Don’t disappoint me, Zabini.”

***********************

“Catch!” Justin did not catch.  
In hindsight, throwing a glass jar across the great hall to Justin Finch-Fletchley and expecting him to catch was not one of Ginny’s greatest ideas, because Justin Finch-Fletchley had never ‘caught’ before, but that did not occur to her until the damage had been done.  
As it turns out, Justin was not very fond of being covered with Jelly Jam.   
“Finch, I’m so, so sorry. I must’ve overshot or something. Let me help you with that” Ginny was watching him brush off his clothes the muggle way as she pulled out her wand and vanished all of the spilled condiment and broken glass.  
“You’d think after all the years of magic, It’d be my first or at least close second instinct my now. But nope. My first instinct is to run for the hills. In every scenario. Even in good cases, Like when I’m around Neville, I just want to run for the hills. Or when people spell my last name and remember the Hyphen, I want to run for the hills. Anyway, Thanks Gin. But, er-”  
“Yes, of course you can have a replacement bottle.” Luna had just arrived with her oversized basket filled with their Jelly Jam. There were about 20 jars left. “Pick whichever you’d like.” Justin reached for a deep purple one that had a drawing of a mermaid on it, and handed a galleon to Ginny, who put it back in his hand.  
“Not this time. I just splattered you with berry goo. I think you can have a freebie.”  
She and Luna skipped on their way to the Ravenclaw dorms just in time to hear a familiar whiny voice.  
“I have to magically shrink my arms once every two weeks otherwise they’d grow too long and eventually touch the ground and we’ve seen two dozen healers about it and nobody knows why”  
“Micheal Corner, what the fuck” an unnamed Gryffindor girl looked at him like he’d grown a third, very long arm, and turned and walked away.   
Luna skipped to Michael.   
“Good morning!” she gave her wand a flick and glitter flew out of it, apparently this week’s special Ravenclaw greeting. Ginny had been informed by Luna that there was an extra difficult riddle given each Monday at midnight, and when you figured it out, you were able to perform a special and meaningless spell for the remainder of the week. It was like a badge of honor.   
“We’ve got your delivery!” Dark Berry Jelly Jam, Was it Michael? Luna looked up with a dreamy smile and lifted a jar of Jelly jam, Accepted the Galleon from her friend, and wordlessly moved on. Ginny linked hands with her and kissed her softly.

“You, my dear, are very good at that. You do not hit anybody with Jelly, and you manage to not give the Jelly-Jam away. Speaking of, Why are we calling it that?” Luna gave a smile and a half giggle.   
“When I asked you which it was while I was making the labels, You said, and I quote, ‘yea probably babe’ so I wrote both.”  
“Ok, I Love it, but if you actually need an answer to something, you can press me a bit harder than that, ok love?” Ginny squeezed her girlfriend’s hand.  
“Oh trust me. I will” Luna winked.


	6. The Reason He Drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to say that i've got a giant boost of motivation all of the sudden, but alack, nay i do not. I am but a simple student and i yearn for a world where people see the true fault in dumbledore, the true love in Neville, and the true badasserey that is Luna and Ginny. 
> 
> also, consistent formatting, who's she?

“Professor Dumbledore, Sir?” Harry was standing in front of the old man, who had dozed off at his desk.  
“Harry, My boy! How did you manage to get into my office without the password?” Dumbledore Hiccuped his way through the sentence, and taking that information and the several empty bottles discarded around his room, Harry assumed the Headmaster had been drinking.  
“Erhm, Perhaps you should..” Harry gestured to the bottles and then waved his wand in a vanishing movement, and Dumbledore waved him off.   
“They’re there to remind me not to drink. I should however-” He cut himself off to take a large swig of ‘Healer Grungles Drunk-B-Gone’ and wink playfully. “Hydrate. So, how did you get into my office without the password, Young Harry Potter?”  
“I took a few guesses. You once told me that it was things you really liked, so it wasn’t too difficult.” Dumbledore raised his eyebrows higher than Harry had ever seen anybody’s go.  
“And you guessed ‘Grindlewald in black leather skinny jeans’?”. Harry felt his soul, as well as any remaining innocence leave his body.  
“Sir, the password was ‘Gryffindor’ which, actually doesn’t seem very fair at all. I think that you sh-”  
“Oh! My apologies. That was last week’s password. I see no problem with my current password. What are you here for?”

“I was just Looking for some Guidance, and McGonagall is busy, and so is Hagrid and everyone I trust, so that’s why I’m here.”  
“It’s a good thing you came to me harry. Did you know that Minerva has a drinking problem? Completely refuses to acknowledge it.” The headmaster shook his head regretfully, but perked back up within seconds.  
“SO MY BOY, what can I help with?”

“Really, it's a whole bunch of things. This stuff where everyone is telling their secrets is making me really nervous, because I’m not sure what I’m going to say next, and I keep trying to get close to malfoy to hear what he says, but he’s always near the slytherins.   
Ron and Hermione are being insufferable, and They’re so OBVIOUSLY pining over each other, and I think Ron is trying to impress her or something but he is using all of my soaps. All of them. I feel like Draco, that prat, buying new products every other day. Anyway, It’s not like it's going to work, because he is too busy hiding from her out of embarrassment for her to smell him! And she wants to talk to him but he thinks that it's going to be bad news so he won't get out of our dorm.  
Seamus and Dean are being really gay all over the place, but way more than usual, because now they know that they fancy one another. And trust me, I’ve got nothing against being gay or anything, but they made out on top of the breakfast table morning. On top of my toast! There is still jam on Dean’s robes. And I can’t talk to either of them anymore, because if they’re not snogging, they’re being all cutesy and holding hands under the stars or some shit.  
Neville told me the other day that Luna and Ginny are dating, and I'm genuinely concerned because he spends 90% of his social energy on those two, and if he didn’t know that, then what has he been paying attention to? Even I knew that, and I didn’t know about the existence of the U.S.A. until two years ago! I thought it was made up!   
Maybe the worst thing ever is that I used the restroom on the third floor for the first time yesterday, and I was washing my hands, and something awful happened. Out of nowhere, an oil painting of snape appeared and since there were so many mirrors, there was nowhere to look that it wasn’t reflected. I don’t know what kind of sick person painted it, but he was a teenager, around a year or two older than me, and he just kept yelling. And he- He was nude. It was horrifying. I saw things I can never unsee, sir. He just kept scolding me for washing my hands improperly.”

Harry looked up from his hands, which he’d been staring at, only to find Dumbledore rolling his eyes and slouching in his chair. 

“I guess I have to solve all the world's problems, right? Because I’m the headmaster! “Oh brave and wise dumbley-doore, please, fix my toilet. Make me omelettes. Teach me basic maths” well Let me tell you something, You don’t need maths to make an omelette. You just put the eggs in the pan.” During his speech Dumbledore had stood up and was starting to stumble about, grabbing onto bookshelves for support.  
“Now this is what you do. You need to get one of the weasleys that is not RONNY to pretend to be him, and confess to Hermyoine. Then! I will make an announcement that there is to be no homosexuality at my school! That should get rid of your problem with Seamus and Dean AND your problem with Neville. After that I’l-”  
Harry cut him off “Sir no, that’s not at all what i meant! You can’t ban people from being gay! That’s absurd. It’s, it’s...” he made an exasperated noise  
“It’s already done. I’ve made up my mind. Anywho.... After that, i shall send you a gift basket of my finest soaps and lotions. That is sure to help you with your awful skin and smell problem. And!” he declared rushing back to his desk. He grabbed a greeting card and mumbled a spell Harry had never heard as he tapped the center with the tip of his wand.   
“Here you are my boy! This’ll solve your draco problem! Now leave. I have some drinks- I mean I have some things I need to get back to.” Harry shook his head as he left the Headmaster’s office, wondering why he ever thought that Albus would be any help at all.  
*******************  
Gallagher stood around the corner in wait. When the time was right he would pounce. Students walked by only so often, and only the ones who dared to sneak out of their dorm rooms after curfew. They were easy to avoid, easier to kill. But he had no Qualms with them, so he did nothing but observe. Waiting at night was best, he could watch for the daring while anticipating his rendezvousee. When the time was right he would strike, but for now, in the dimly lit corridor, he would observe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im not kidding fellas. People stopped yelling at me, and I didn't post for HALF A YEAR. ( by the way i'm so soo sorry that i didn't post for half a year haha whoops my bad) but if ya'll are getting upset that i haven't updated (maybe i'm full of myself to think that people are anticipating updates, but oh well) just YELL AT ME!!!! Find me on tumblr! send me DMs or anonymous hate! im @ aspiringlampturtle

**Author's Note:**

> I work 700x better when under pressure, so seriously feel free to yell at/encourage me in the comments. Also A big ol' thank you to my friends who say random shit that help me get inspired to continue writing, especially lex!


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